Holly's Blog

So today just for kicks I pulled out the box of clothes under my bed that I can't fit and haven't been able to since about my 5th month of pregnancy.  The pants went a little earlier but the shirts about the 5th month.  At the time I thought it was just being pregnant that made them to small.  Now I realize that I put on too much weight during my pregnancy and that I may never lose it. 

Am I admitting defeat by saying that last statement?  No, I don't think so.   Maybe a little bit though.  I've been trying seriously for a little over a month now...  and nothing.  2lbs.  As I heard someone say once...  I can poop two pounds!  Have I been perfect every day all day?  No.  Have I been giving it my all?  No.  I'm going to make an excuse here and say I have a baby to take care of a house to clean and a dinner to make everyday.  Never mind lunch and breakfast for the baby everyday.  I'm around food almost all day and let's be honest...  once a fat girl always a fat girl.  You wave a chocolate bar or something in front of my face and 9 times out of 10 I won't say no. 

Some people would say I'm not fat but to me a weight of 145 lbs on my 5'4" height is fat.  I'm coming from a comfortable 107 lbs before I got pregnant... and before I was at my most low I was my heaviest at 178 lbs.   I joined a weight loss program and managed to lose all my weight  and was at about 118 lbs...  then I got sick and lost more weight.  Never gained any weight back from that and was okay with that.   I'm not going to say that I  think I looked good at my smallest because I honestly didn't.  Nobody wants to have wind socks for boobs or hips bones sticking out when their standing up.  But I was comfortable with myself.  I'm not right now.  I've reverted to hiding myself in baggy shirts and always wearing a fleece.  That had gone away when I was thin.  I'm still wearing my pregnancy jeans because there the only ones that really fit me and I can't bear the thought of actually admitting this is the size I will be from now on.  I get "dressed up" once a week for church and struggle every morning looking at all the clothes I won't wear because they might show my back fat or that my thighs are huge.  So I go to the clothes that I think hide me the most.  A big cardigan or a sweater and my black maternity pants.  Most mornings I just suck it up and move on and every once in a while I get upset and cry for a minute or two in the closet by myself and think what a fat pig I am. 

So what am I going to do about this?  Well, I've been trying to watch what I eat and have been making point friendly meals for the family.  Tonight I'm making eggplant parmesan.  Yes it's a low fat and low calorie recipe.  I take the baby for a walk most days and try and get a good amount of sleep.   So I've started out again today writing down what I eat and hoping that I don't blow it by the end of the day.  I guess thats all I really can do.  One day at a time they say, we'll see if maybe one day it'll pay off.